Ordered Chaos

i need a massage

I've been kind of tense for the last week or so. At first I blamed it on wedding chaos. But the big event passed without lending any relief to the tension in my shoulders and jaw. So, of course, I had to start mentally searching for the stressor.

And, tonight, pondering life over a pile of laundry, I think I found it...

It's that I'm here again. Here — that place I was awhile back. That bit of life that looked awesome on several fronts and turned tragic in all of them. I'm there again.

Or, at least, I'm in a place remarkably similar. I'm on the good side yet, but I'm struggling to find the courage to stride toward the uncertainty of what's next. What if it's the same ol' story? Disappointment sucks, don't cha know?

So, there the stressor lies ... a product of the conflict between the need for risk in progress and the part vulnerability plays in what can set a person back.

Interesting....

It all warrants more thought and probably prayer...but it's bedtime! Peace, my peoples...

Currently watching: HGTV
Currently reading: John 1-3 for small group
Currently playing: Norah Jones in the background

on colors and words

I'd really like to win just once.

Actually, the truth is, I'd just like to stop feeling like it's a fight.

Currently playing: "Where the Boat Leaves From" by Zac Brown Band

it's only tuesday?!@$%

I ate cereal, fried pickles (with accompanying ranch dressing) and four sugar cookies today. That's it. Lots of sweet tea and no water. All before doing speed workout on the track.

Again with the idiocy!

Seriously, somebody slap me. Or give up and hook me up to an IV at my desk so that my distracted busyness and lack of discipline doesn't matter so much.

Don't look at me. I am hideous.

less is more?

Yup, it's official: I don't like any of the clothes I own anymore. All frumpy.

This whole "trying to save money by not spending money" thing totally sucks.

Me want mall.

I also want to go fishing. But that's unrelated.

Currently playing: "Down the Road" by Kenny Chesney

"i'm in no shape for drivin'..."

So, the weekend I meet a car I actually like better than mine, mine decides to throw a fit:

I discovered a half-inch of water under my driver's seat yesterday. I blame Hurricane Jemimah (or whatev) and some sort of door seal leak that has yet to be professionally diagnosed.

And then there's the violent automatic gear shifting/jerking that began on my way to work this morning. It led to the inability to drive over 35 mph or spin at less than 3 rpm's. Actually felt like my car was trying to throw me up. Over and over again.

If I didn't know better, I'd think my car was a tiny bit jealous.

Too bad being a pain in my butt is no way to gain (or maintain) my affections.

She's at the transmission shop right now. Violating my wallet.


So, yea, that TSX is starting to look good.

REAL good.

Currently playing: "Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms
Currently watching: Berkeley Square miniseries

that's the spirit!

"This is so not like you; you like to DO stuff!"

Those were the words uttered by my future sister-in-law in reaction to my hesitancy to get out behind the a boat and wakeboard this weekend.

And she was right, I DO like to do stuff...and it was so unlike me to avoid an opportunity. I'm a try anything at least once (except the Skycoaster) kind of girl. If you've read this blog for even a second, you get that I'm a little obsessed with action, activity, intent, etc. ETC. But Friday morning, I was totally playing coward. I was acting like one of those people I usually want to kick in the pants.

And for the life of me I can't figure out why. I mean, with some encouragement and prompting, I DID get out there for a few runs....and went a second time later in the day with far less prompting....but I was being a big baby and blast if I know the reason behind it! (Especially after tackling the rock climbing fear not even a full two days prior). It's not as if I'm scared of face planting (a little water in the sinuses never hurt nobody) or alligators in a private lake (there aren't any) or looking foolish in front of friends (that's par for the course), so what the crap was I being timid about?

I've got a couple of good theories, but I think the real lesson I learned is that it's good to recognize and analyze our fears....to realize that sometimes you'll only truly overcome your fears when you've begun to understand why they exist (or from whence they came).

So, here's to being introspective when it counts...

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

blockhead

I have things I WANT to write about...like photography, the Bachelorette, settling for and into the american dream, freelancing, Kiersey (and why 3% sucks), high school, turning 28 (in a little over a week), small group dynamics, weddings, Magic mania, the iron-man idea, career direction, solitude, and signing a lease....but I've got a serious case of writer's block. Every time I open TextEdit, my mind shuts down OR spins out of control.

I'm convinced (perhaps foolishly) that it's a temporary malady. So, hold tight?

Currently playing: "Sawdust On Her Halo" by Tracy Lawrence

why I can't be a music snob, part 2

Part 1 is here.

So, unable to explain away the massive amounts of N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, LFO, Avril, hair band rock, and "not real county" (i.e. Rascal Flatts, newer Keith Urban, Gloriana, etc.,) that fill up my iTunes library, I gave up years ago trying to pretend I had any grounds for declaring what's quality music and what's not.

I mean, sometimes I play Hilary Duff's "Come Clean" on repeat.

And I own a lot of dirty, dirty rap/hip hop.

And I may as well admit to all those times Kelly Clarkson and I have hung out. "Since You Been Gone" might actually be the culprit behind my scratchy car speaker.

And I don't care if every 311 song sounds the same — I'm an avid fan.

So.......

I can't be all that surprised that I've had Cobra Starship's latest pop single ("Good Girls Go Bad") on repeat since Kasey passed it on, right?! Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester (Blair) is featured on the song...AND they cheer/chant toward the end. I kinda can't wait to see the music video. I expect a total cheese fest. And maybe a keytar.

Score one billion for terrible music. This girl's a sucker for a catchy hook....

leave me alone!

Let me just go ahead and put it out there on here ONLY because it'd be unbecoming to tattoo it to my forehead:

My desire to be in a relationship pales in comparison to my unwillingness to date you.

Seriously. I think maybe I've gotten to that age where men just assume that if I'm single, I must be desperate to be in a relationship, so therefore, I'd be willing to settle for them.

But I'm not. Desperate. Or willing to settle. Ever.

I realize that this may make me seem like a bad word, but, umm, I don't give a rat's.

See, I bring all of this up because of something disturbing that happened to me on Thursday night. I was passing time in a bookstore between social engagements, holed up in the Religion section reading the intros of some books, when I noticed this skinny dude skulk by me a time or four. (FYI - I don't find skulkers attractive....do you?!). I was hoping against hope that skulker-boy wouldn't skulk my way....which of course means he did. He then proceeded to engage me in conversation for a full ten minutes BECAUSE I'M TOO FRIENDLY TO BE MEAN TO PEOPLE (and for some reason I can't easily get past the whole "divine appointment for furthering the Kingdom" part of human interaction) and he wouldn't take the hint the four times I said "Well, I really need to get going..." He just kept shaking my hand. Asked for my phone number. Violated me with his eyes a time or twelve. It was an altogether gross, icky, icky, icky, ack experience! I'm still recovering.

Maybe I'm wearing a sandwich board that says "Nice girl who will appear to give you the time of day instead of outright rejection (even though you have nothing in common and no way to claim her rather particular heart)" or maybe I'm just unattractive enough for them to think they have a chance or maybe it's really that they've just finally gotten desperate enough to spew crappy-@ss game all over every girl they come across, I don't know, but I'm sick of it. It's no more Ms. Nice Girl.

There was a time back in the day when I would have shutdown their attempts by simply asking a revealing/foundational question like "So, where do you go to church?" or "How do you feel about country music?". No solid church involvement, no country love? Then it was Auf Wiedersehen. Au revoir. Step off sucka'. I don't care if it's a small, small world. Good bye boy!

Those were good times. Smart times. And I'm now going to hail them from the past and into the present. Guys, you get five seconds of hope and then I'm squashing it. Hard.

Okay, vent session done. Good day.

on having a piece of the pie

It's hard not to say "I told you so" when, dude*, I told you* so.

Three years ago, a year ago, a month ago...I was remarking that things needed to change. I even had ideas about how they needed to change. I cited examples of where better things worked and why. In daily conversations, emails, passion-driven tirades. I. told. you. so. Over and over again.

And you ignored me. Blew me off. Went about your business as though unchallenged.

And now - so much later - you're actually taking the right steps. Making those changes. Thinking along sound lines. Motivated and ordered to by other names and faces and entities. And it's all working out so well! Now you're making great progress toward beneficial ends. And I'm glad. I'm really, really glad, because, after all, that was the point of all my chatter anyway...

Still, sometimes I selfishly wish you'd just remember who first told you how and that it'd be so.

*in general

Unrelated: We camped in the cold this weekend. It was awesome. Pics on Flickr.

a bad day

Feeling like I could throw things right now.

Maybe at people's heads. Or at their ideas.

I feel totally trapped. Stunted. Underestimated.

Rock. (me). Hard place.

Plus, I think my natural hair color might be too dark.

So, I'm going to go blow off some steam at the gym. I'm going to glare at the men that stare at me. I'm going to listen to my "angry" playlist while I spin in the dark. And then I'm going to yell it out with God in the car on the way home....

Truth.

inconsistent

What's been going on? Stuff. NYC (pictures are slowly being posted on my flickr page). Stupid long hours at work covering others' vacations. Preparing for my own upcoming vacation of blissful nothingness. Holiday shopping. Contemplating a season of learning and growth. Etc. Etc. I promise to post things soon!

I do hate not being forthcoming or informative or consistent...it's just that time (and, as a result, energy) is currently lacking.

Forgive and hold tight, my loves. But for now, I must nap.

Currently playing: "Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry

that's the rub

After I ran a marathon, I had an unfortunate run-in with Vick's Vapor Rub. Here follows the tale:

Experiencing muscle atrophy after hours on planes and their airport gates, my quads, calves, hamstrings — all wore a label of "sore" and begged for Ben-gay.  But seeing as I am not fifty or a football player, that was a giant lack of the topical pain killer in the medicine cabinet I scoured back at home.

But there was a little blue tin of something I knew had menthol in it.  And oh how I love menthol. It's cooling warm tingle. It's minty fresh smell. Good memories of good times — I'd recently used it on my chest to calm the cold and congestion that seized my body.

So, I untwisted the cap and stuck my fingers in and lathered up my legs. I brushed my teeth as the tingle sank in. Pulled on pajama pants as the cooling sensation crept up and down my fatigued extremities. Crawled under the feather comforter and curled into a ball, eagerly anticipating the warm side of the tingle to kick in...

But it never did. I lay awake, uncomfortably aware that outside the covers was an unlikely (and unpleasant) cold snap and that inside the menthol was working its magic...and that the spell it was casting was not a good one. I was shaking. Unable to warm myself despite the layers of linen.

So, stupid tired or not, I jumped in the shower at 3 am to scrub off the rub in skin-blistering hot water (p.s. anything with a petroleum base is not coming off your skin easily) and then, outfitted in winter pajamas I never wear in Florida, I fell asleep hugging a heating pad.

Yes, I said hugging a heating pad.

Moral of the story: Don't run marathons. Ha. Or at least forgo coating a large percentage of your body in menthol products after running one.

Currently playing: The Killers new album (Day & Age). Trying to decide if I hate it or not

maybe i am a music snob

I don't know, maybe I've mentioned it before...but just in case I haven't:

I love country music. Love. Love. Love. 'Til death do us part.

But country radio?  Not so much.  It's tough to find a good station in Orlando.  A "good station" being one that isn't at the mercy of the big record labels. Maybe one that plays some red-dirt alt-country. Or doesn't play Sugarland twice an hour. But really, I'd just be satisfied with one that sees how wrong (pathetic, insulting, tragic, etc.) it is to play Jessica Simpson's latest foray into the genre.

Currently playing: "Put a Girl In It" by Brooks & Dunn

i have a hair appt. on thursday

Via Good Magazine's Blog (via Gawker):

So, apparently on MySpace, if you're a really hot (and underage?) girl, you can develop a large fan base of other MySpace users. And then someone might try to make a fake MySpace page using your pictures. Or some people, knowing how hot girls' MySpace pages can be successful, will make up a fake girl using pictures found on the internet. To prevent this, the geniuses over at MySpace require the hotties to read their ID number into a camera, proving they are a real, flesh-and-blood girl. Here is a video (don't worry, it's safe) of some of the highlights, or, as we like to call it, a fresh new sign of the impending apocalypse.

My thoughts?

1. There lies yet another reason I chucked MySpace.
2. Does anyone else notice that most of the girls HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT!?!?

Currently playing: "What You Thought You Needed" by Jack Johnson

do i have a sign on my head

that says "you're not my type, so please come talk to me like you want me" on it???

If so, I'd like to have it removed. Now.

Because I don't know how to be mean to men.  And it's exhausting to know I'm too friendly. Really, how do you tell someone you don't want them to call you?  Or that the reasons you're not interested in them are numerous, obvious to others, and non-negotiable? That having a nice conversation does not mean I want to marry them?  How do I convince a guy that maybe I'm just a girl that likes to get to know people - and not a girl looking for a date. Friendly does not equal flirty. I make eye contact because it's what I was raised to do...it does not mean I want to have your babies. Yes, I'm curious about who you are.  But that's because I think there's something in you worth knowing.  People thrill me. However, you being worth knowing does not mean we are compatible romantically.  In fact, if we were, chances are I wouldn't be talking to you.  In fact, I'd probably be avoiding you like the plague.

So, please, ignore that sign on my head....apparently, Someone's playing a practical joke on me.

Currently playing: "McFearless" by Kings of Leon

on the impact of accidents

So, this story is all over blog world.  And it's a sucky story:  Boy driving down driveway hits younger sister.  Sister dies.

But what the article doesn't say is how much Boy's life is going to suck for years to come.  Can you imagine?  Accidentally killing someone you love? Not being able to look your family in the eye because of your grief and guilt?  Replaying the memory in your mind?  Finding your good memories only make your last memory all the more painful?  Questioning God on a moment to moment basis?

And it's weird, because my mom and I were talking on the phone last night about an accident she passed on her way to work.  A man had accidentally hit and killed a pedestrian.  And in my inbox this morning?  A prayer request for a three-year-old girl who was struck by her grandfather as he was backing out of the driveway yesterday.

I don't like it.  These bad things happening to good people.

....

Unrelated: I HATE Typepad's new compose editor. I might switch to WordPress, as a result.

More unrelated (and mostly for mom): I actually updated my Flickr page.

And still more: Anybody else think David Cook = Chris Cornell?

For good measure: Check out the highlight video from the Drive 08 conference. Incredible. I get excited when Christian world does it just as good - if not better - then the secular.  Because we should.

an epidemic?

It got a lot smaller. And a whole lot more shallow. Also, you have to bring your own inner tube.

These are things I wasn't expecting to hit me like a ton of bricks on Saturday when me and the gang hit up Rock Springs for the first time since I was a kid.

Nor did I expect to discover an entirely different culture of people populating the park. Sure, many of those floating down the river were Hispanic, but I'm talking about the large percentage of park attendees who were just large. Obese. Their children, too. At least 80% of the people surrounding us were completely overweight.

It was astonishing. However, I will spare you the verbal smackdown I wanted to dish out to every parent there about the health of their children and their own personal laziness....and instead, I will gift you with this video depicting the one instance where a child's girth can be quite useful...

education

I started college as an Advertising/PR major. Interpersonal Communication as a minor. I dreamed of marble-floored offices and taking on accounts like Nike. Then Jesus taught me there was more to life. So, then I considered Psychology and Sociology for a semester or two. Took some courses in it. Turns out I liked knowing what makes people tick. But it didn't translate well into a career. So, to Early Childhood Education I went. But that felt too cookie-cutter Christian wife tame for me. While it's perfect for others, I figured I'd hate my life by the time I turned 35. So, I moved on to English Education — because I loved high school and I've got a passion for high school kids. Felt right. But the idea of boxing myself into one career field felt too wrong. So, I graduated with a degree in English. American Literature, to be exact.

And today, I'm a Graphic Designer at a church. Tomorrow I might be a writer. But twenty years from now I might be an AP English teacher. I still consider it an option.

And because I still consider it an option, I'm pretty excitable when anyone (especially media) starts talking about the state of Florida's education system. Unlike my brothers, I'm a product of public schools, and I truly believe they can turn out graduates with open, educated minds and motivated, expectant hearts. However, if they continue to have funding yanked out from under them, things are going to get bad. Real bad.

Why? Because quality teachers will not pursue (or stay in) jobs in an education system where cuts (job and funding) are expected, where classrooms are too full, and standards are lacking. No matter how amazing a teacher is (and I know a couple of them personally), they are no match for the discipline problems that arise from overcrowding, or the time crunch created by mainstreaming, or the pressure associated with teaching inside the box created by the FCAT.

Education is not just another category in the state budget. It is not just another program to be continually analyzed for worth or considered collapsable when space is limited. Education is an umbrella term used in politics to detach us from the reality of what they're really talking about. And what are they really talking about? Answer: Our future.

When they're talking about making budgetary cuts in Education, they are essentially talking about compromising our future. And I don't normally care about politics at all. But dude, some of the decisions being made recently in Tallahassee suck.

Currently playing: "What Went Wrong? (Part 1)" message by Jeff Henderson of Buckhead Church at NPCC

hesitation

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
-- Jeremiah 17:9

I find that "beyond cure" part a little bit disturbing.

....

I believe in the Kingdom come,
When all the colors will bleed into one...
Bleed into One.
But, yes, I'm still running..

You broke the bonds
And You loosened the chains
Carried the Cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believe it...

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

-- U2 in "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

Yea, me either, Bono. Me either. And I'm so tempted to run. Far, far away.

....

With all this motivation,
I still find a hesitation deep in my soul...

-- Jennifer Knapp in "A Little More"