It's a Beautiful Day

I just did a Yahoo search for "encouraging quotes". Ironically, it was a rather discouraging investigation.

First, my motive for embarking on the search was sad and I realized this as the results displayed.  To think even for a moment that someone else's words could magically make me feel better about this feeling that I can't even quite understand...ridiculous.  Especially when the most powerful words (those written in the pages of my bible) haven't even produced peace in my head/heart yet.

Secondly, my search and hopes came to grinding halt when my second link offered this for my reading pleasure: "After all, our lack of self motivation is what keeps us stranded where we are in life. We can all be leaders of companies or countries if only we had enough personal or business motivation. But we don't."

Restless and discontent, I again feel like I need to throw up.  Just wanting to desperately expell the feeling(s), the fear, the guilt, and the chaos created and embodied by this "crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life"....

It's a gorgeous day out, but I don't trust it.  Because it hasn't been enough to make me smile for any length of time.  In fact, it's beauty makes me think tomorrow will be ugly. I took a long run down beside the lake, in the sun and the wind, and tried to relish it.  Tried to let it be enough like it's been so many times in the past.  I tried to concentrate on how light danced on the slight ripples in the water's surface.  Tried to feel comfort in the warmth of the sun on my bare skin.  I tried. And I failed miserably.

But in typing this, I'm reminded of the beginning of last week and its rainy, gray skies.  And I realize that it's a cycle - that yes, beauty comes before a storm....but that such a gray, stormy sky will always usher in clear, blue one. Two very different expessions of the weather, bookending the week and forming an analogy I choose to find solace in...

Yet, I just hate the storm.  We all do.  And even more so when we're stuck without an umbrella in the middle of it.....here's to the next time the umbrella won't be missed or needed.

And oddly enough, my own words from a previous, completely un-related post, are proving the most comforting: "Yes, it's all about attitude (having a good one in the face of adversity), but it's also about changing the changeable, recognizing your limits, and letting go when something's gotten too big to hold on to....".....and a friend's previous comment makes me laugh and reminds me that I'm not alone in my feeling and thought: "if this world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."....

later all.