Ordered Chaos

using photoshop to plant things ...

This is what I do when I've got a couple free hours ... #nerd #oldwoman

not a manic monday

Knowing it's a short week before a long weekend and feeling a little more on top of my bipartite work life now, I decided this week might be a good one to try and live a little more stressless.

So, I didn't pick my mobile out of my bag on the way to work to catch up on the latest email. I listened to the radio instead. When I got to work, I responded to emails with established fact and personal style. I didn't try to explain (to be heard) for the fiftieth time. Instead of running down the list of friends I need to catch up with and trying to plug them into my mental calendar, I prayed for them in my morning quiet time.

I don't know if this is giving up. It might be. But, I think I like this feeling of freedom better than that one of constant struggle and irritability. Running up against walls hurts. So, no more — at least not this week.

Satan loves to set up snares on the road of good intentions … but I refuse to stumble. There's a field of freedom in front of me. I'm not going to talk myself into fear this week. I will not get frustrated. I will not get angry. I will look at people and trust God in them and through me.

And that is all.

Love.

Currently reading: Modern Psychotherapies: A Comprehensive Christian Appraisal
Currently playing: "Lovin' You Is Fun" by Easton Corbin

because it's monday

I give you the cutest thing ever — Wyatt discovering his shadow:

the worst part of work ...

is leaving for work. I'd so much rather stay and play with my husband!

Just sayin' ...

my birthday is coming up

So, it's the traditional wish list time ... (in random order):

1. Clothes and shoes and fashion jewelry (Sophie & Trey and 4th and Ocean and Francesca's and VS and Lulumon)

2. Money for an iPad (I have big plans for its use in the counseling side of things)

3. Flat iron (I've wanted one of these once a week for the past five years)

4. Stylus for iPad (note-taking!)

5. Pots and plants (I want to do this shade garden under our side oak tree)

things that make you go "huh?"

You ever read a passage in the Bible and go "Huh?"

Me too.

I started my Sunday morning reading Psalm 103 and 104. Despite that I couldn't stop hearing Chris Tomlin sing the words as I read, the words were good ... true ... relatable (at least as far as praise of a God we can't quite fathom can be!). But then I was all like, I haven't read 1 Timothy in a while, let's give it a whirl! And that's when the "Huh?" set in ... and kept digging itself deeper and deeper ... and deeper...

"A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man;t she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing — if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."

Oookkkaaayy. I kind of have a love/hate relationship with Paul. Dude seems so self-righteous sometimes. A little narcissistic even. Boastful. "I do not permit ..." Seriously? YOU do not permit?I'm not sure if it's the girl in me or the rebel in me, but his tone rankles. And Adam was not the one deceived? Uh, his listening to Eve was not a deception? Tomato, tomato (that really only works verbally, doesn't it?) ... But "Wha?"

And that's not where the "Huh?" ends ... Get into the bit about younger widows in chapter 5 and yeah, well ... like I said, "Huh? ..."

What parts of Scripture make you go "Huh?"? Share on ...

peace in my soul.

I've been having a weird week. The kind where my skin doesn't quite fit right. You know, the kind where a really long run in the middle of your work day seems like the only way to avoid going postal. You know what kind I mean? No? That's just me? Huh. Boo.

Well, regardless, come this morning — still in post-vacation funk, scared out of my mind about starting internship this week, anxiety-filled about giving two presentations at school, feeling a little body conscious sans recent gym time, and on edge about recent work demands — I wasn't loving life.

Usually when I'm not loving life, I turn to country music. No lie. The stuff's the stuff of simplicity and happiness in the midst of world chaos. But it's also a lot of lyric about escape. Whether it be via beer, backroads or horseback ... sometimes it only nurtures my occasionally compulsive desire to be care-free. So, what to do ...

I started scanning the new stuff on iTunes and came across Jason Mraz's latest. The whole album is pretty positive and chill ... but one song in particular hit home. Take a listen to "Living in the Moment." The lyrics took me to a place of peace and inspiration.

May they do the same for you.

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Related: Dan, thank you for gifting me with the album! Good music can sometimes make all the difference ... and I hope to pass on the favor/flavor to someone else soon! (Dan's a dear friend AND a fantastic blogger - visit him!)

i want to go back.

Post-vacation funk is in full effect. Eck.

(Vegas was great. Pictures are in progress of being put up on Flickr.)

today's grace

It's become part of my morning routine, this staring out the sliding glass doors at the day. I watch the clouds move in the sky and the squirrels munch on berries. One hand holding my coffee, the other splays on the glass, curious about and sensing the day's temperature.

This morning, I was looking out the doors at my plants. The ones I planted a couple of months ago. They're dying. And our podocarpus hedge? Not growing. In a split second, I went from basking in a new day's hopes and new mercies to beating myself up, feeling like a failure. Guilt descended on me. The negative self-talk began: You're a failure as a gardener. You suck at time management. Sure, it's a dry season, but you could have watered more. Fertilized more. And this backyard project? It's ridiculous that you haven't finished it yet. Some homemaker you are. You haven't even done a real grocery shopping in weeks … let alone prepared a real meal … And it went on, just a few seconds of "you are crap" stream of consciousness and I was now beginning my day defeated.

But you know what? There's grace in our failures. We're allowed to fail. Everyone does. 'Cause here's the thing: We can't do it all. We weren't meant to. The world tells us to be pieces and parts of who we're not. It tells us to bring our A-game no matter the exam content, when, in reality, a civil engineer is just not going to nail an essay on symbolism in Hawthorne's "Ethan Brand."

I love green stuff. Flowers. Plants. Wide open fields. Heavy wooded spaces. I love it. And I find a lot of peace and joy in planting things and watching them grow … but right now, busy with full-time work and full-time school and a part-time internship, I can't be a good gardener. I can't expect to be. I have to be okay with this "failure" … because that's not what it is. That's not who I am.

It's not who YOU are.

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And on a related note — found a link via a fellow congregant's blog to a relevant and funny message by John Lynch (of Open Door Fellowship in Arizona and TrueFaced). If you love me, you'll listen to it …. (LISTEN)

school

I haven't been impressed. I've been more annoyed than anything else. The excessive role-playing. The elementary treatment of theories and techniques. The politics and program turmoil. The piss-poor scheduling of important/foundational courses. The fluff in explanation and curriculum… The list goes on … and then …

Today, five weeks into the semester, my professor informs me that I am not on the class roster. Complete and total shenanigans! (Though, honestly, my reaction was a little bit more like "Are you F-ing kidding me?!?!)

I mean, in a class of less than 40 students, the professor hadn't previously realized (or cared) that he/she didn't know my name? It took grading a paper he/she didn't have a grade book line for to realize the discrepancy? Awesome.

[INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE]? Your marketing copy toting small class sizes and involved professors? Rendered null and void. (and this isn't the first time I've had reason to say so)

I. am. so. over. this.